Children

My youngest son is just like me - spirited and an "in your face" kind of guy. After not having him close in my life for a few years, I created him not being in my life at all for the last two. And that was never how I saw my script being written. I've loved having close relationships with my kids and they with each other.

A month before discovering that this life was all illusions of my own creation, I had my biggest rift with him. I was so glad that I did nothing but wait, as I discovered I had written the whole script and it was BY me and FOR me and there was nobody else in the room but me. He was simply acting the part of my son in this movie of mine. I laughed with joy. There was NO rift after all. It was all a figment of my imagination - and the discomfort and pain I felt was my huge blessing for discovering where I hid quite a bit of power.

At one point, in my pain, I remember thinking for the first time that perhaps I would write him out of the script, seeing as he didn't seem to want to be in my movie anymore. I've never thought that before, and I didn't feel guilty for it - which was quite amazing to realize, when my whole world has been my kids and grandkids.

Not long after, he came over and we had the first of many "healing" talks.
Then things got pleasant, then fun between us. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, "I did rewrite the script. The angry, distant actor son was replaced by the open, fun son. I was amazed at how quickly I was playing a whole new game with him.

Then today we had a fight! It started out so "good", and then I got the old script again. What was really weird is that we were talking about regaining power from a "bully" and being able to say "Stop" when all of a sudden, I felt judged and then attacked. It happened so fast. I felt myself begin to shrink and then I stopped, turned around a said, "Stop"...and I held up my hands. He didn't stop so I gave him a volley of words about how I felt. Rather than stopping and validating that, he got up and left the room. I had flashbacks of similar memories with my ex partner - only he didn't give me the gift of leaving the room so that we both could have the space and silence we needed from each other.

This time I re-read parts of Scheinfeld's book as I did the process. I read about how we play the game with our old rules....and then I saw it. I have lots of rules when it comes to "the order" of how a conversation should go, especially when there is a glitch. When someone is sharing their hurt with me and "telling me off", I let them have their say without interrupting and, even though it hurts, I appreciate the courage it took and let them know.

I want this same treatment and respect back. I have asked for it, fought for it, stood on my head for it, and here I was again facing this same thing. The "realness" of it faded. I began to smile. It wasn't that my rule was wrong, or that I couldn't have this desire. It was that I made the relationship real and the conversation real and the hurt real, therefore, order and respect and validation was needed.....and the other person HAD to understand that.

I took my power back and expressed great appreciation for this great actor who knows just what buttons to push and for acting so convincingly. Then I went to work and got most of the frustration out of my body. Normally, I would have gone to try to talk about it. But I wasn't inspired to do that. So after work, I came home to watch a movie before I was to babysit my granddaughter.

When the knock came, I assumed it was her, jumped up, opened the door and said, "Hi Honey", and it was my son. I smiled, went up to him and gave him a big hug. He said, "My comments were not invited, therefore, not called for" and I responded with, "Thank you. That means a lot to me." And then I invited him to stay for the rest of the movie.

I knew it would work out because now I was aware that it wasn't real and therefore, no problem even existed.

So he gets to keep the part of my son and I'm so lucky that he still wants me to play the part of his Mom.