The Game of Validation

The Game of Validation must be quite an old game, as my granddaughter Olivia has inherited it without being taught. And I'm sure, as I spend more time with Cora, my little 2 year old granddaughter, I will see that it is written in her DNA too.

When I related the story I'm going to tell you to my son, he began his usual rolling of the eyes look that said, "Mom, this is just you." (He inherited that from his father). However, he surprised me by saying, "Everyone wants validation, not just females". I agreed and said, "However, aren't males more prone to trying to fix or solve the problem, rather than just validate feelings"? He agreed with that.

As I relate this story, I remind you and myself that I know that the masculine/feminine differences are illusions. It is an elaborate creation to make each sex feel separate from the other, and at times, not even speak the same language.

Three times in a row on the last day of our holidays, Olivia began to cry or whine about something. Once, she got hurt, saying that I had done it while buckling her in her car seat. I didn't think I had done it and was about to suggest it was the seatbelt, but I remembered when I tried this before, she cried even louder. So I said, "I'm so sorry I hurt you" and IMMEDIATELY she responded, "That's alright Grammy. It's already getting better." Hmmm, that was easy!

A few hours later, something she was holding dropped and she began to cry a little as she asked me to get it. Normally, I would have said something like, "I can't right now honey. But I can get it later when I come to a red light." That has never worked with her. She is young and she wants it now. This time I said, "Ah Honey. I'm so sorry it dropped. I'll pull over as soon as I can." She replied with a sniffle, "I can wait."

A few more hours and she wanted something that was packed. In the past, I would have offered to get her something else or said she already had a toy and I couldn't get it now. But that hasn't worked too well. She is not easily pacified. This time, I was fully aware of how those reactions of mine were coming from the parent side or the masculine side of me - attempting to fix or solve it, and if that wasn't received well, get irritated and controlling (as in, "If you keep that up you won't be able to ......") I was amazed at how easy it is NOT to validate when I'm in the masculine role.

I said, "Ah Sweetheart. I'm so sorry that it is packed and I'm not able to reach it now. Are you okay with waiting a bit?" Her immediate response was, "That's okay. I can play with it later." And then she began to giggle. Amazing. I believe she laughed because she felt happy to know I felt her disappointment, and also because she knew I would feel happy that she was happy.

I've been telling the men in my life how I just want my feelings to be validated, and frustrated to no end when they try to do everything else BUT that. And I've been a stickler for keeping at it until I either get validated, or leave so that I can find space to make myself feel better again. Yet here I was on the other end and quite shocked at how easy and quickly the feminine responds to validation of feelings, and how hurt or whiney the feminine gets when it doesn't happen. The masculine thinks they are unappreciative or high maintenance.

After the third time, I felt the pain of years of hurt in this area and let it take me to a place where I realized that I was giving myself this gift right now and receiving the joy through another. And I realized, that I can find someone who wants to play the validation game. I also am aware that I'm not trying to make that happen anymore. There is no one outside of me to make me happy or make me sad. There is only me and the wonderful actors in my game.

They played their roles so well, I forgot they were just acting! I'll probably forget a few more times, but however often I experience this hurt, I know that I designed it all perfectly so that I would wake up and remember who I really am and why I am here.