Olivia's Tears

Olivia, my granddaughter, returned from a plane trip this morning and had some pretty late nights. She also had lots of excitement and jet lag!

So about two hours later, the tears came. It wasn't the "normal" tears. She's been through a lot of emotional pain lately and out came the angry tears, then the grieving tears, and then the tears of being overwhelmed. As I told her some of the things that might make her feel that way, she yelled, "No, it's none of those things. I'M JUST GRUMPY!"

It lasted quite awhile, and I wanted to wait until she was calm before doing anything else or giving into her angry demands. I became aware of something we adults do when we think the crying is going on too long.

We either:
1. Try to make the child think of something else
2. Try to make the child laugh
3. Begin to get annoyed and tell the child it's time to stop
4. Leave the room if the child won't stop or send the child for a time out.

I was tempted to do all 4, but as each one came up for review, I realized how we try to do anything other than feel the pain and are uncomfortable when others are in pain. At one point, I thought it might be best if I left the room for a few minutes, as she seemed to fight anything I did, and as I moved to get up she yelled, "DON'T LEAVE ME".

Wow, did that send me to an old painful place. A place where the man in my life didn't know what to do with me when I was crying. He either didn't come near or if was near, ended up leaving. Of course, all I really needed was someone to let out my anger, grief and overwhelm with. If he left, I ended up feeling utterly devastated, alone, abandoned.

As I tapped into that feeling, I told Olivia that I would stay if she wanted me to and that she could cry for as long as she wanted. I had all day and I would hold her or just be with her if she didn't want to be held. She could be angry or sad and I loved her just the same as when she is happy.

It took only another few minutes after that. All of a sudden, she took a deep breath and said, "See, I'm being calm now." She asked if she could see her Mom and I said, "Let's go try to find her". So as we left the room she said, "I'm really hungry. Grammy, would you make me some eggs and toast?" Then she was thirsty and downed a big glass of water and then milk. She was now as happy as could be. The sparkle came back to her eyes and she began telling stories and giggling and ready for play.

She was just hungry! Hmmm, it was one of the things I hadn't thought of, but if I had, she would have denied it at the time. She was taking time to feel and express her anger and sadness and nothing was going to soothe it. And I took time to be with her and STAY with her during her pain. I gave her the gift I wish I had given my children more and which I wish I could have been given.

It was one of the most wonderful times I have ever had with her.